Jake Long
Associate Opinion Editor
We’ve all been there, running out the door, halfway to our cars, when we realize we left our keys in our upstairs bedroom. We bolt back into the house, dodging the jumping dog, and begin scaling the stairs. About halfway up, a loose shoelace presents itself to the bottom of your other shoe, and boom, you’re down, face flat, mouth full of stair dust, with a broken nose.
From sprained wrists to broken ankles to fractured pelvis’, stairs are the bane of many peoples’ ascent existences. Despite their infamy, stairs are an absolute necessity and provide safe passage for many of the same people who fear what they are capable of.
The question is whether stairs are the most dangerous tool used for vertical ascension. Is the ladder more dangerous, does the rope have a say in the matter, and how can we forget about the trusty backyard fence, there when you need it, invisible when you don’t?
I would like to begin by stating that stairs are inaccessible to some people and pose greater challenges than a satirical article such as this is able to express. Anyways, our first matter of business is defining what makes a stair a stair and then the potential risks stairs pose, from injuries to cave-ins to rugburns.
The most obvious characteristic of a stair is that it aids in vertical transportation, usually at an angle, equipped with a handrail, and is typically up a straight alley. Now there are spiral stairs, rickety stairs, hardwood stairs, and so on and so forth, so to keep this article a reasonable length, we’ll stick to a standard seven-inch carpeted staircase, about twenty stairs high with a lower banister and a sturdy handrail. This stairwell is not just used for personal traffic, people yell up and down the stairs to pass on that dinner is ready or that there is a large, hairy spider closing in and a person upstairs needs a person downstairs to bring their sturdiest newspaper and vanquish the beast.
Now that we have our staircase defined, let’s get into the potential risk of the staircase and how that risk comes about. Factually speaking, humans have a poor track record facing any sloped surface. Over a 23-year testing period, Blazewick, D. H. et al. (2018) reported an estimated 24,760,843 stair-related injuries, with 67.2% being from people between 11-60 years old. That statistic alone shows the danger of scaling a manmade surface and proves that we may be safer remaining on level ground. Sadly, not everyone can own a one-story ranch on an acre plot, some of us must brave the ascent.
The problem is we do not fear the ascent, we see ourselves as equal to the intimidating opponent that is the stairs. We don’t think about the one misstep going down and next thing you know you’re fending for your life as you rollie polie to the floor below, hoping that you stay intact at impact. Or the minor heart attacks that go along with thinking you are on the last step and suddenly the rug burn on your face gets you unwanted attention at the office. Before that, however, there is that weightless feeling, like falling in a dream, that makes you rethink your decision about leaving the safety of your bed.
Simply, stairs are too dangerous for us to just sit around and pretend like we are not living under death traps, so here are a few options that can turn the tides against humanity’s gripe with stairs. Logically, our first option is a ski-lift-like mechanism that boasts handlebars for people to hang from, providing an upper body workout, and a cushioned mat in case they lose their grip. Then, there is the trusty hoister, a hydraulicly powered engine that requires you to be able to strap yourself into a harness and enjoy the ride to the second floor. And of course, there’s the ever-handy rappel line, all you need is your suction cup boots, a firm grip, and a can-do attitude, and you’ll be up in no time.
Now, you’re probably thinking, “How am I supposed to carry my belongings upstairs,” and the answer to that is to get creative, we are talking about the safety of our ankles, hips, and wrists here, not whether you’ll have a harder time hauling your daily baggage upstairs. The likelihood of such a change arriving in the near future is unlikely, so until then, be wary when scaling, cautious when descending, and ever-present when in between.