By Marie Leatherman
Abstract:
The imposter syndrome goes by many names and affects many people by making hard-earned accomplishments feel meaningless. How does a lack of confidence and ability affect an academic and professional career? In this personal reflection, feelings of being unqualified and unable are explored through the perspective of a current Millersville graduate student. The imposter syndrome has shaped both my undergraduate and graduate career, but has not stopped me from moving forward and achieving my goals.
Graduate from high school, go to college, earn a bachelor’s, master’s, and doctoral degree all before 35. That was and still is my life plan. I want to be good at what I do. I want to make a difference, and be successful in whatever I choose to do in life. I would love to say that my choices are made with full confidence, and without any fear and uncertainty. Unfortunately, whether it is something as simple as writing a paper, or more important like deciding my path through life, I am sometimes convinced that I am not good enough.
I have self-diagnosed “imposter phenomenon.” I was a recent graduate of the Technology and Engineering Education program. Instead of taking a K-12 teaching position, I chose to continue in graduate school and accept a graduate assistant position in Osburn Hall at Millersville University.
Even though I have proven myself time and time again in the classroom as a student and a teacher, I still question how I got there and if I am worthy and capable of being there.
Clance and Imes (1978) describe the imposter phenomenon as a feeling in which a person, despite having strong evidence to support academic intelligence, does not feel that he/she is qualified or capable. A quote in their article really hit home for me: “Self-declared imposters fear that eventually some significant person will discover that they are indeed intellectual imposters” (p. 241). Much of my undergraduate and graduate career has been overshadowed by this feeling.
While feeling like an imposter is not uncommon, it is not a well-known phenomenon. It can leave many people struggling in a variety of settings. Even though I have proven myself time and time again in the classroom as a student and a teacher, I still question how I got there and if I am worthy and capable of being there.
While I have never thought of myself as unable to learn, throughout my undergraduate and graduate studies I have never felt intellectually advanced. I always felt that I made it through my education because I could work above and beyond my academic ability. I studied longer and worked harder, but the entire time I felt that I was tricking the system into believing that I was smart enough to become a teacher.
I thought that if I just put in more time than everyone else that I would be able to fake it until I made it. As the semesters went by, I began to shift my thinking about my accomplishments from good luck and perfect timing, to feeling that I truly deserved them.
Sharing my feelings of fear and lack of confidence with people was, and is, the hardest step.
After three years of undergraduate studies, I finally started to feel that I was becoming a teacher – not because I tricked the system, but because I deserved to be here. I had grown in confidence, leadership, and academic ability. I had no plans of slowing down as my student teaching year was coming into view.
I went into the student teaching orientation with all of the confidence in the world and was ready to interview with multiple potential mentors, a process required in my teacher preparation program. It wasn’t until I was encouraged to interview with a recent female Millersville University graduate, who I admired, that I began to panic.
I immediately reverted back to feeling like an imposter. The accomplishments I thought made me special and unique were no longer clear; I saw them as standard accomplishments for every student. Areas where I once believed I excelled in felt mediocre, at best, compared to her. I began to feel that I would never be able to maintain the standards she held as a teacher. I worried that she would see right through to the one lie I tried to cover and ignore — I am not good enough to be a teacher.
I am sometimes convinced that I am not good enough.
On the day of the mentor interview, I managed to think of every possible thing that could go wrong. I feared that I would speak without intelligence or that my seemingly rock-solid resume would fall apart as soon as she reviewed it.
I interviewed with four other Technology and Engineering Education student teacher candidates and watched as each one excelled in their interviews while I was fearing the worst.
Despite my worries, in the five-minute walk back to Millersville, she had sent an email to my advisor saying that she could not be more excited to take me on as her student teacher. With that news, I began to feel some of my confidence return.
I almost dropped out of graduate school right then and there.
Perhaps my mentor did really think that I had what it takes to be a teacher. During student teaching, I was continually told that I was succeeding and thriving in the classroom setting. Despite this, I continually feared that my mentor and supervisor would become aware of my shortcomings, and I would be asked to leave.
I wanted to be just like my mentor, who was working on her doctorate degree at 27 with two kids, but I felt that my intellectual ability was preventing me and that I would soon be discovered as an incompetent teacher and student. Despite all of my fears and the negative inner dialog, I successfully finished student teaching and received praise from the students, teachers, and administration. I struggled to decide which path I wanted to take. With the mindset of taking the first guaranteed offer, I applied to the Millersville graduate program and multiple teaching jobs, with the mindset of taking the first guaranteed offer.
Many people did not agree with my strategy to determine something as important as my future by accepting the first offer, but in the end, I stayed true to my plan. The graduate coordinator reached out with an offer to attend graduate school 30 minutes before I received a phone call for a Technology and Engineering position in a nearby school district.
The “imposter phenomenon” has a nasty way of taking all of the hard work and accomplishments people have and making them feel that they were not earned or deserved.
In between graduating with my Bachelor of Science in Education degree and starting graduate school, I spent many days reverting to my old ways of thinking, doubting, and struggling to decide where I was best suited. Even though I accepted a position in the graduate program of my dreams, I still questioned my choice. Should I follow my dreams and continue my education, go find a dream classroom to teach in? Or should I stay and work at my old high school job that would provide a nice and safe place of employment?
I felt that it would be impossible for me to compete in interviews with my classmates because I knew how great they were and how unprepared and unqualified I felt. Despite being told that I was successful in the field of education and having a two-page resume showing my accomplishments and experiences, I truly believed that I was unqualified. I felt that I was too inexperienced, carefree, and lacked academic ability to continue on to graduate school. Likewise, I was too young, inexperienced, and unqualified to become a public school teacher.
The most recent encounter with my “imposter phenomenon” ironically revolves around writing this reflection as part of my graduate class titled Writing the Professional Paper. On the first day, I showed up to a class full of professionals and three teachers who were juniors and seniors when I came to Millersville as a freshman.
As a freshman, these three people were my mentors, idols, and club leaders who encouraged and supported me in numerous ways. They pushed me to come out of my shell, join professional organizations, travel, and take on leadership roles. In many ways, these people helped me find my way to graduation and set me on the path to pursue graduate school.
I was tricking the system into believing that I was smart enough.
While I never thought these relationships would affect me in a negative way, I was suddenly thrown onto an even playing field with people who I considered mentors. Immediately I felt that I was no longer supposed to be in graduate school and that I lacked the necessary experience and skill. Not only were people who I have looked up to in this class, but the two assignments for the class were to write two papers for publication based on experiences and interest. Everyone started to talk about how they would write about units and activities that went over really well with their students, program of excellence pieces, and articles about teaching strategies they felt strongly about.
I almost dropped out of graduate school right then and there. I felt that there was not a bigger sign that I was not qualified. I struggled to think of any topics within Technology and Engineering Education that I could write on, and as the panic set in, it became harder to think. I was surrounded by people who I thought of as excellent teachers, and since that moment, I feel there is nothing that I could possibly be qualified to write that would not be better written by someone else.
The more people I talk to, the more I hear that I am qualified, and I am capable. Then, why do not I feel that way? I felt that positive feedback usually comes from successful people who are always confident in what they do and who have never felt this way or chose not to show it. There are plenty of people who feel the same way and have no name to give to these feelings. Whether they are first- or second-year teachers, they can clearly recall the feeling of panic and uncertainty that came with a new job.
Despite all of my fears and the negative inner dialog, I successfully finished student teaching and received praise from the students, teachers, and administration.
As I became more comfortable in graduate school classes, I began to ask some of the less confident people how they managed being in the classroom and in graduate school. Many of them responded with a quick smile and began to recall the countless times where they struggled, felt unsure, and were ready to give up. The “imposter phenomenon” has a nasty way of taking all of the hard work and accomplishments people have and making them feel that they were not earned or deserved.
To this day, I still struggle with feeling like my accomplishments are not mine and that I am unqualified. However, that does not mean I let those feelings of doubt hold me back. Writing this reflection has forced me to read multiple articles and watch a TED Talk on the “imposter phenomenon.” During that time, I have found little parts of myself in each of them. With each article I read, I was able to empathize with the specific details the researcher was writing about and remember the times I felt the same.
As the semesters went by, I began to shift my thinking about my accomplishments from good luck and perfect timing, to feeling that I truly deserved them.
I also found helpful resources to begin to move forward with confidence. Realizing that there have been actual studies on the imposter phenomenon and that other people have these feelings gave me the courage to start changing the way I think. It is no longer something I feel which is nameless, with no way to cope. Rather it is something that a lot of people experience throughout their professional careers. I have found that one of the best ways to deal with this is to find a single person, or group of people, who act as support groups to encourage me when I begin to question myself (Parkman, 2016). Sharing my feelings of fear and lack of confidence with people was, and is, the hardest step. I never wanted to openly admit that I was struggling to view myself as capable. After talking to my friends and mentors about it, I now have a whole new network of support.
While I still have doubts, moments of fear, and lack of confidence, I am able to move past them more quickly. By waking up each day and forcing myself to be a little bit more confident, I have seen, and been told by others who know me well, that I am capable and qualified to do whatever I choose to do.
Bibliography:
Clance, P., & Imes, S. (1978). The impostor phenomenon in high achieving women: Dynamics and therapeutic intervention. Psychotherapy, 15(1), 241–247.
Parkam, A. (2016). The imposter phenomenon in higher education: Incidence and impact. Journal of Higher Education Theory and Practice 16(1), 51-60.
Tardanico, P. N. S. (2014). Beating the impostor syndrome. Center for Creative Leadership. Retrieved from http://search.ebscohost.com/login.aspx?direct=true&db=nlebk&AN =1030429&authtype=sso&custid=s3915890&site=eds-live&scope=site
TED-ED (Producer). (August 2018). What is the imposter syndrome and how can you combat it? [Online Video]. Available from https://www.ted.com/talks/elizabeth_cox_what_is _imposter_syndrome_and_how_can_you_combat_it